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depressed yet again

In bed crying listening to cradle. I want L so much. I know it wont solve all problems but I want a sex life I enjoy. At the moment I dont ask for it because I hate the thought of doing it with my bf. It sounds mean and hurtful but I just don't want sex with him. And it makes me miserable that I can't get any. It used to be a sure fire way to make me feel better but the thought just makes me feel worse. Even if I got out if my depression I still would need intimacy and passion which just isnt there. I dont know how we can get that back. And L...I asked B last Friday for drinks after work and she said maybe next week as everyone was busy. And then later that night L messaged me asking how the new job was. I said ok. I didn't say more. Maybe he wanted me to ask him what he was up to so we could hang out but I was with my bf so didn't bother saying anything else. It just sucks so much. Feel like just saying to my bf its not fair on me and I need more and its just sex and I'm going to do it and we're still going to be together and you're still going to love me. Just tell him how it's going to be but I know roles reversed that would hurt like fuck. Just sucks.

lifeless

I had intense dreams of L a couple nights ago. And I woke up and just needed him so badly. At the moment I would not want to risk everything for one time with him but I just want him still
His memory has faded but I know he made me feel so amazing and my world just so amazing with him. Im going to see the doc on Saturday for antidepressants anxiety meds and referral to counselor so I can finally change myself and be who I want and realize that my desire for L is just false desire just a way to escape. These few days though have been so up and down for me. Depressed as fuck and happier at times at work...I dont know if I can face tomorrow because its 4hours of communication training where you have to role play etc and if I feel flat its gonna be shit. I just want him to make me feel better. Why cant my bf just make an allowance? He knows i dont want to have sex with him so why cant he let me do this just once for my happiness? Feel like saying if he doesn't lose weight in 3 months I have the right to fuck L with no consequences. I dont think he'll be happy with that knowing I'm still thinking about L. Fuck o just want a hall pass right
Just once. But L will probably think i'm fat anyway. Its all I see in the mirror and he'll look at me and think it wasn't worth it. If only I could bump into him at the train station or maybe friday when I'm in the city after work. Anyway I can't explain my extreme frustration. Its useless.

left him behind

So I left early on my last day in order to make it easy for me and avoid temptation. He was there when the boss gave the speech for me in front of a handful of others who decided to come see me off. The boss said I was leaving early and as he walked off to go back to work we shared a raised eyebrow look as if to say oh well I guess we not doing anything then. It was hard and I was depressed for days after. But I feel better about it now. I still think if the situation changed and I was single and met him again I'd definitely jump his bones. But until then I must learn to like what I have.
On the way to my new job. I already anticipate disappointment and social alienation. Well they can always get rid of me if im not up to their standards. I dont really want to work there anyway. Its not very interesting.

last day

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back to depression

Well I cant help replaying things in my head. Like kiss with L or him sucking on my tits and finger fucking me saying I was so wet. I just want to die. I want that again and more but I can't. And even still I realized Im not good enough for him. I was the one to chase him that friday night. He just left me. He said I wasnt bad not that I was pretty or sexy or anything like that. He didn't want to have sex with me or let me touch him. So why? Yeah he's this Casanova apparently and he's always had an effect on me. Did he just not know before I was willing after last time? Did he just not want to cheat on his girlfriend? Or just he really had to go out that night? Or did he secretly think the opposite that I was out of his league? I wish I knew. But whatever the case I can't do anything more about it. I have made the promise. I just need to create a shield from his smile that just captivates me and that voice which sends tingles through my body. I just have to last two more days and then that's it. And in the meantime just feel shit. I just wish I could turn my brain off. I am miserable and always will be. I wish I could describe how I feel and wish that would take it all away. Without L I just live in misery.

screwed

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Almost at my limit

My bfs brother died yesterday and old feelings about my sister resurfaced. Then messaged one of my job references to thank her and she said they were worried I'd be too quiet. So that set me off. I've been hearing this my whole life. Just so sick of it. I feel like quitting and saying fuck thr new job and go awol or just do something where I'm by myself all day but I dont know what. Just sucks. Im upset and angry and have had enough. After a little brain storming I thought of two things. I can be a cleaner or I can make myself disabled so I can stay at home and get the disabled pension. Maybe I can break my legs or arms or gauge my eyes out. Its a thought. I would do that too the way im feeling.

feelin shit

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boring and same old

Still thinking about him. I'm wondering if I actually like him. He is a nice guy and everything like that. I dont want to fall for him. But makes sense as to why I think of him so much and want him to talk to me and why I get upset and feel rejected when he doesn't. Girl logic I guess. I dunno. I guess I just have to shift my thoughts. But to what? The conversation we had the other day at lunch we ended up talking about getting whipped and I said I liked pain and he said he'd rather deal it. It was funny things he said about it so I guess wasnt an actual proposition there just a humorous conversation. But I cant help but want to bring it up again...I would love him to beat me while fucking me from behind.

still thinking of L

I can't stop thinking about him. Last night my bfs friends came over and I went and hid in my room listening to cradle in bed with the lights on. Like I did when I was 15. He came in a bit later and was like you're really doing that when people are over? Well I stopped listening to music and just went to sleep. Was hoping L would call or ask what I was up to as I considered briefly of messaging him. But decided against it. We're work colleagues not friends like that. I thought there's no way he'd message me because that would mean he'd be thinking about me and I'm sure I'd be nowhere near his mind. but I still want him and feel distance between me and my bf. It's like I don't care anymore. As if I'm entitled to cheat. So long as I don't get caught. I should just get him out of my head. He doesn't want me anyway.

friendzoned for sure

Well we had lunch again today as I had some things about work to tell him. Now he's got what he wants from me I don't think we'll hang out or talk anymore. I am a bit disappointed but felt like in the friendzone anyway. So maybe I am ok with it. After all it means cheating on my bf is no longer an option and an agonizing choice I have to make. of course I am still hoping...because I wouldn't be me if I didn't still have hope for this thing. I guess it just all depends if we get drunk again and he is tje slightest bit interested still as he will be wearing beer goggles for sure. Anyway I can only hope things work out for the best and just take comfort in the fact hes totally hot and wanted to fuck me once upon a time.

L could be the one

Well I had the thought yesterday that L has potential to be the perfect boyfriend. He's sweet so talkative and interesting. Im late for work and feel silly for it as I've tried looking nice today or better than yesterday anyway. I put mascara on but no other make up because I dont want to be obvious. After yesterday it feels like we're in the friendzone. Going to catch up again today as he wants my current job and has lots of questions. We walked to the traino yesterday talking about it and then he asked if I wanted to grab a drink or something to eat and talk more. I had to get home that night for dinner so couldn't. But maybe today we could? I'd love to have quick dinner with him ...and then fuck him after. I had to say it. Its all ive been thinking about. He just does something to me. So I think my boobs look better in this top today. Unfortunately not as big as they look but I can pretend. Before I would know L would look but now as it seems like we're friends without any hint of flirtation that was previously there. Cry. Maybe a good thing. I guess will see how things go when we have drinks for my last day.

chat with L

I had an impromptu lunch with L today. We were both waiting to cross the road and going the same way so talked a bit and after I said I was Leaving he said he'll have lunch with me so we can talk. So we did and it was all normal talk. Talked a bit about me and my bf and Other stuff. I said I might have drinks before I go. He said he'd come to that. Afterwards I went to the ladies and realised how ugly I looked. And he looked so handsome during lunch. I think he had beer goggles on last time when things got a bit serious between us in the cab. He might have been relieved afterwards that nothing happened. So now me feeling ugly as anything just want to fuck him like crazy so I don't feel ugly. I don't know. I think I will just kiss him if anything and leave it at that. I can fuck him as much as I want in my head.

saying goodbye

Well I have a new job starting in October. And I'm worried its out of my depth. Im worried I wont be good at talking to and building relationships with clients. But more and more im thinking of L. My chance to say a drunken goodbye with a kiss on the lips. And then I can't help but imagine the hard fucking that would follow back at his place. I wouldnt ever see him again so would it be that bad? I always give in to my boyfriend without a fight or enthusiasm to my boyfriend when it comes to sex. Its just easier to get it over with and stop him complaining. Last time he asked whether it was a free pass I was asking for and I said no. Now if he asked id say yes. I'm going to marry him and be with him for rest of my life. Care for him and support him. But I want something he cant give me anymore. I just want it one last time as L is a guy I madly want to fuck. And the tendency for me to complicate sex with emotions will be eradicated with me never seeing his face again. So a plan is a plan but I doubt it will come into play. I think thats it for us.

Its up in the air

Well last night was a mess. we talked about breaking up. i said i couldn't stop thinking about L and i wanted to go out with him take drugs not be myself for a moment. he said maybe we should take a break. Whatever. this seems hard to write. on the train and have a hangover. boughtA big bottle of jb last night. cried a lot. my eyes are puffy. slept in so late. no lunch today. Feel sick. wish i could have stayed home. my back is sore. i don't want to play anymore.

This thing

Well i think i was half right. i think now thing between me and L would only happen if it was largely unplanned and we were either drunk or on drugs. it has to be spontaneous otherwise it would be weird. we have sinced talked a bit about normal things as usual, never about what's happened between us or what could or will. last Friday he asked me if i was going to have drinks after work and came by my desk. well i was tired and it was almost 5 and there were others there i don't talk to normally and i was swaying to the being faithful to my fiancee idea. But i can't stop thinking about him. and i woke up from a dream last night and felt that i needed him. i closed my eyes before, saw his face felt as though i was about to fall asleep again and felt an overwhelming need to be with him. feels like it's bridging on more than just wanting to fuck him. I'm falling in love with him. typical girl right. can't separate love and sex. so i feel somewhat tortured right now. feel i must come clean to my fiancee tonight. just tell him i have needs and hope he understands. it's cheating quite obviously but i can't have what i want with him. i need intimacy and passion and to be attracted to the guy. It's not fair. he won't like it. will hate himself more and hopefully not sabotage his progress in weight loss. i want it to work with us but it's not possible not for a long time. So i will tell him that and see what he says. then will try and see if L actually interested in me. i feel like scum after laying bare my plans. what kind of person am i. i guess i am trying to make myself happy. life is screwed up.

back to nothing

Tried to have lunch with him or something but didn't work out. when i asked the question on IM he went awol. so began thinking he doesn't want anything from me and will just go back to being miserable. but then he said he had been in a meeting and what was it i wanted to ask. i said forget it not important.felt kind of silly. now depressed. life is shit. that's the end of 'us' or whatever it was. so back to boring life with a guy i love but don't want to be with. i mean i want to be around him but then fuck other guys. what kind of relationship is that. I don't know. if i break up with him we'll both probably be miserable. but here's me depressed right now and i just want this life to be over.

back to nothing

Tried to have lunch with him or something but didn't work out. when i asked the question on IM he went awol. so began thinking he doesn't want anything from me and will just go back to being miserable. but then he said he had been in a meeting and what was it i wanted to ask. i said forget it not important.felt kind of silly. now depressed. life is shit. that's the end of 'us' or whatever it was. so back to boring life with a guy i love but don't want to be with. i mean i want to be around him but then fuck other guys. what kind of relationship is that. I don't know. if i break up with him we'll both probably be miserable. but here's me depressed right now and i just want this life to be over.

what to do

Yesterday he im'd me at work. Usually it would be me being the instigator. asked how my weekend was and basically implied his weekend was spent doing drugs and his gf. i got instantly jealous. later he passed me asked if i had lunch i mumbled yes. it's not just that I'm attracted to him and not to my bf anymore it's what he said the other night about taking specific pills to make you feel how you want to feel. i suddenly want that. i confessed to my bf last night what happened but omitted i was really attracted to him and that we held hands and touched eachother but in a non sex way. he asked if i wanted to break up with him. i said no but a part of me doesn't feel like there's any hope there. i think i scared him and he said he'd get serious about the weight loss and some things he would do. i have heard it too many times before though. and, all i want is L. he can give me freedom and escape and pleasure even if it doesn't last. today I'm considering asking him to lunch with me. and just ask the question i thought of last night - what happens Monday morning when you wake up and faced with reality? because i realised I'm scared of life. i am trapped now yes. i want a different life yet i want this stability still. want best of both worlds. so not sure what to do. i feel i need L now. but it's my bf bday next week and we're going to a hotel this weekend. i don't want to cheat on him before that. I don't want to cheat at all. i don't want to break up our life. But finding it hard to stay with him. i love him so very much. I'm stuck even more now.

Dreaming of him

Well I have a thing going on with a guy at work. Well flirting at the work functions, and that was last xmas party and last friday. At the xmas party I said I'd show him my t**s (I was drunk) and he seemed interested, so I guess since then I thought well he is interested in me because before then I wasn't sure. Well that didn't happen, thankfully. Last friday got suitably drunk (and injured from a slip) and ended up catching a ride home with him and another guy. We were in the back of the cab and touching each others arms and held hands at the most and just talked about random stuff. There was the suggestion of going to his house and he'd drop me home after. Something I wanted - I really want to fuck this guy, but with the ring on my finger, I didn't push for it. So I got taken to my house first and he walked me to the door. He wanted us to go to his place and then he'd drop me back but I couldn't because once I went inside I'd wake everyone up and...then I wouldn't be able to go back out because it was after midnight and he'd wonder where I was going at that time and with who, and there was no way I could tell him. So I declined and it seemed pretty final. Seems this "thing" stopped right there. I guess I didn't want to live with the guilt of cheating. I couldn't do it. Well now I keep playing the scenarios in my head of what could have been between us and feel guilty just doing that. But I really like him and still want there to be something between us in the future and just think - maybe I can do it and feel ok. Maybe I can justify this somehow? It's not fair on my bf, but...I just want to be young again, feel desired, have some hot sex...not much to ask for right?

1-20 of 44 Blogs   

Previous Posts
depressed yet again, posted October 5th, 2013
lifeless, posted October 3rd, 2013
left him behind, posted September 30th, 2013
last day, posted September 24th, 2013
back to depression, posted September 23rd, 2013
screwed, posted September 23rd, 2013
Almost at my limit, posted September 8th, 2013
feelin ****, posted September 6th, 2013
boring and same old, posted September 5th, 2013
still thinking of L, posted September 4th, 2013
friendzoned for sure, posted September 4th, 2013
L could be the one, posted September 3rd, 2013
chat with L, posted September 3rd, 2013
saying goodbye, posted September 2nd, 2013
Its up in the air, posted July 10th, 2013
This thing, posted July 9th, 2013
back to nothing, posted July 2nd, 2013
back to nothing, posted July 2nd, 2013
what to do, posted July 1st, 2013
Dreaming of him, posted June 29th, 2013
depressed again, posted April 27th, 2013
so sick of it all, posted April 12th, 2013
Frustrated, posted April 4th, 2013
thinking and knowing, posted March 28th, 2013
thinking and knowing, posted March 28th, 2013
From nightmare to nightmare, posted March 7th, 2013
whatever, posted November 21st, 2012
whatever, posted November 21st, 2012
lonely again, posted March 30th, 2012, 1 comment
lonely, posted March 26th, 2012, 1 comment
loveless, posted March 26th, 2012, 1 comment
loveless, posted March 26th, 2012
Wouldn't mind a Kill, posted March 17th, 2012, 1 comment
The nightmare returns, posted December 10th, 2011, 1 comment
chucking a sickie, posted July 3rd, 2011
feeling drugged, posted June 27th, 2011
suicidal tendancies, posted June 17th, 2011
Really annoyed and frustrated, posted June 15th, 2011
Depressed again, posted June 12th, 2011
Another day in the life, posted June 8th, 2011
butterfly effect awesomeness, posted April 25th, 2011
i'm dirt, posted April 3rd, 2011
How I picked myself up, posted January 9th, 2011
Thoughts and feelings, posted September 28th, 2010
The joys of being female, posted September 26th, 2010
Lovesick, posted July 25th, 2010
I Have Become Worse and I Know It., posted June 11th, 2010
So here I am, posted June 4th, 2010

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