bluenolove's Blog

Feel like shit. Totally down in the dumps. I want to get another job but can't find anything else I can do. I can't write, I can't take photos... I feel useless and this life is just...I don't know. I can't be bothered with it anymore. Maybe I should die already. That should fix it. I hate that I'm getting older. I don't want to be old. I'd rather be young forever, even if that means dying young. I'd rather that. Because when I'm older, I'll be the same useless person, except wrinkley, and unattractive and even less physically in shape than I am now. I wish the average life was 40years. That, is even hard for me to imagine. I'm going to be 30 in three years and I haven't progressed much as a person or anything. Feel shit. Sometimes wish all this could go away and I was living by myself with nobody else on the street in some dark alley. Less stress, thinking only of survival instead of happiness. If I think of what would make me happy I couldn't pin point it. With all the money in the world I'd not have to work which would be great, but I know there'd still be holes in my life and I'd still be the same person unless I spent lots of money on life coaching or therapist or something. It just seems pointless for me to be living like this. I guess I have my dogs to think about. They need me. And after my sister, my parents need me to stay alive.
I spent a lot of today sleeping. I would sleep forever but I get a headache and feel sick if I sleep too much which is why I'm still awake now and trying to pass pointless time. Anything I have to look forward to, I know won't make everything all better and just becomes another meaningless thing in my life. Because none of it matters. Maybe I'll have grey hair and still thinking this way. Just seems a waste. 
I am not the person I want to be, and my past is not something I wish to remember. Where do I go from here?

Where do I begin. I've been stupidly living in my fantasy land and now I realise there is no way at all of it becoming real I just feel so screwed and hate this life and wish it would all go away. Maybe I've been listening to Cradle too much, I don't know. I have always been comforted by their music because whenever I've been upset sad angry since I was 15 I've played their music and all my worries and pain just goes and my mind is taken to the beautiful Gothic world where there is magic mystery beauty and nothing to hold me back. I am indeed no longer mortal in that world. I don't know how it got this way. I don't know at which point it was when I thought that world could become real to me. How would that even happen? What would even happen to the current world and the people around me? I think I thought if I wore the make up and wore the clothes the world around me would change to match. But it hasn't. And I'm just left feeling alone.miserable and pathetic. I can't ever have what I truly want. I can't be who I want to me. It's all fantasy, just a dream. It was my only real wish and now I realise I can't have it I don't know the point in my life and hate everything in it. It's just not what I want. Everything is so ugly and I've been plagued, probably since my horrible birth, destined for disappointment and such a fruitless, meaningless life. I can't take comfort in anything anymore. It's all just shit to me.

So I keep going on living my life the way I always have been. Scared, frustrated and wishing for so much more. My true comfort is listening to Cradle of Filth but after thinking and seeing, I can see their talent is making me envious. I just wish I could accomplish something.  I wish I could create something. I am sick of being plagued by defeat and blankness and an infertile mind. Life feels like shit. My mind is full of shit. Nothing. Am I depressed or just down in the dumps. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. I can't kill myself because my sister beat me to it. I would devastate my parents further if I did. Plus, my dogs would not like it. I just feel like giving up. I want to, so badly, just not give a fuck. Just remove all my feeling. Just be completely zombie like and go through life, just coping, not thinking of happiness. Even more so, now, I am convinced that not everyone is born with an equal chance of happiness (putting aside the obvious people born in poverty, obvious mental or physical disability etc.). My sister and I were born with defects, I believe, and as we grew up these defects were further moulded and enforced. They will always put us down and hold us so far down beyond the earth. Sadly, we are not the worst of it. It just makes me feel even more horrible and down about life. Disillusioned was a word I thought the other day which fit my feeling quite well. But I don't know. It's just beyond that. It's a depressed, disillusioned dwelling - a hole, a well of emptiness, sorrow and despair and a general longing for everything that is impossible - my world in my mind where I am not myself in any way and the world around me lives in beauty, and tragic peace.

Drunk on the train. contemplating all kinds of things. is it in my genes is it just me. life is just fucked up. it's a massive screw you to all of mankind and every living thing on this planet. wishing my sisters smartness could be channeled to me from the grave. Wondering if my depraved mind is even living or in the space of fucked. any way you look at it there's on way to live.

Drunk on the train. contemplating all kinds of things. is it in my genes is it just me. life is just fucked up. it's a massive screw you to all of mankind and every living thing on this planet. wishing my sisters smartness could be channeled to me from the grave. Wondering if my depraved mind is even living or in the space of fucked. any way you look at it there's on way to live.

I can't quite describe the feelings I'm having now. Just woke up from a nightmare and realising it's real.

I always think about my sister and feel angry and sad that she killed herself, and there's nothing I can do to bring her back.

In my dream, my dad and Lisa had mentioned how we had to give Katrina an injection to put her to sleep because of her depression. Well, Lisa and I were talking to Katrina, and there was something about what she said that suddenly made me think ' wait! We don't have to!'. There was some kind of normalcy in what she said that made me realise she was a normal person and not ready to be put to sleep. With my excitement, I ran to my dad and told him. He agreed with me. She should stay alive. Well I remember something about all of us and one of my dogs getting into my dads car and going to drive off somewhere, and my dog being naughty as usual and running away almost onto the road. I captured her again and put her in the car all safe. I can't remember what else happened then. But, next thing, we were back inside my dads house near the door. The image of my sister lying in the coffin with the peices of her flesh near her collarbone having looked lacerated came to my mind. I confessed this to my dad, and said to him 'she not here anymore is she. I remember seeing her lying in the coffin'. Meaning they either all saw her standing there as we were deliberating whether to put her to sleep or whether they all went along with it for my sake.

I wish like anything she could be back here. I don't know what to do. I'm crying like I haven't for a while. It just shouldn't have happened. She should be here. I can't believe it. I want her back,.,:( and this is my nightmare I wake up to every morning. The sister I grew up with and have known all my life, killed herself and I'll never see her again. 

I've been watching dexter again and think i have a dark passenger too. i think of killing too but they are only thoughts for me. it's still twisted. but my dark passenger is suicide and the times i think about it it's beautiful and I'm so happy. perhaps suicide is glamorised in my brain. in any case i realised for me it's about freedom. not being constrained to this earth like everyone else. which is why i guess i like the idea.
things are actually going ok for me. i am depressed at times still. but i have a job and looking else another even though my current one isn't bad. i have two. beautiful babies my pugs and still my very overweight fiancee who suffers cramps migraines and all kinds of aches and just keeps gaining weight. there's still me the shy and socially undeveloped girl. but now have found my sister is also having issues. she's like me although keeps it all inside a lot more and hasn't been pushed as much so she is still jobless and socially awkward too. I'm not perfect but perhaps i should be doing more to help. feel awful about it.

I've been watching dexter again and think i have a dark passenger too. i think of killing too but they are only thoughts for me. it's still twisted. but my dark passenger is suicide and the times i think about it it's beautiful and I'm so happy. perhaps suicide is glamorised in my brain. in any case i realised for me it's about freedom. not being constrained to this earth like everyone else. which is why i guess i like the idea.
things are actually going ok for me. i am depressed at times still. but i have a job and looking else another even though my current one isn't bad. i have two. beautiful babies my pugs and still my very overweight fiancee who suffers cramps migraines and all kinds of aches and just keeps gaining weight. there's still me the shy and socially undeveloped girl. but now have found my sister is also having issues. she's like me although keeps it all inside a lot more and hasn't been pushed as much so she is still jobless and socially awkward too. I'm not perfect but perhaps i should be doing more to help. feel awful about it.

I feel lonely again...little attention and affections from the man who supposedly loves me. puppy is a lot of trouble. I get so mad at her. she doesn't deserve it. i smell like puppy pee now. i'm just depressed now. bf lost his job. don't know whether we'll be able to get a loan for the house now. i wonder if he does love me still. why doesn't he want to be around me then? he prefers his games to me. Im more trouble and less fun, i guess.
I use food for comfort, and alcohol, but i can't be bothered having either. I just can't be bothered with all of this. I want it all gone. life is more trouble than its worth. did i not kill myself because i was supposed to be living this great and wonderful life? may as well forget it. doesn't seem worth it. music does nothing. i have no getaway - nothing to hide me from the reality of life. his games provide him relief from reality. but what about me? what do i have? drugs would do it, but can't afford it. I'd probably be better off as a junkie prostitute. get what i want when i want it. have some kind of company. not so isolated. i just wish this was a bad dream i could wake from. I'm half expecting that to happen any day now....almost praying for that to happen. Perhaps I did jump from that bridge and all this is just a dream - what could have been if I had lived. Will i wake up from this dream then? I really hope so.

I just feel so lonely :( and i can't help crying now. I just feel so depressed and i hate my life. i hate everything in it.

We got our new puppy. Wasn't supposed to be yet but was a surprise present. toilet training is going bad. She goes on the floor instead of training pad or newspaper. bf decides to let her run around the house so shee pees and poops everywhere. He's so lazy at times but he does make an effort. still he wants to just leave her alone so much and not keep an ex on her because it interferes with what he wants to do. befora asked him if he was coming to bed. he got shitty with me saying he was watching his tv show. can't remember the last time we kissed or had sex. he doesn.t seem to want to and now he's too tired for anything except for playing computer games and watching tv by himself at his computer. i don't know if he fun loves me anymore. seems spending time with me is a chore. he has time for puppy and then mostly his games. he does have dinner with me and watch my favourite show with me but seems like he has to and doesn't really want to. I'm just over this

We got our new puppy. Wasn't supposed to be yet but was a surprise present. toilet training is going bad. She goes on the floor instead of training pad or newspaper. bf decides to let her run around the house so shee pees and poops everywhere. He's so lazy at times but he does make an effort. still he wants to just leave her alone so much and not keep an ex on her because it interferes with what he wants to do. befora asked him if he was coming to bed. he got shitty with me saying he was watching his tv show. can't remember the last time we kissed or had sex. he doesn.t seem to want to and now he's too tired for anything except for playing computer games and watching tv by himself at his computer. i don't know if he fun loves me anymore. seems spending time with me is a chore. he has time for puppy and then mostly his games. he does have dinner with me and watch my favourite show with me but seems like he has to and doesn't really want to. I'm just over this

So he's gone to visit his parents because I'm being a bitch apparently. Of course. It has to be me right? He says its all about me and what i want to do. Helps me take the clothes off the line then throws them on the floor instead of in the basket because he's so lazy. Does he think he's being cute and endearing? He's just lazy. So i say to put it in the basket or else don't help and he says - I'm a bitch!! He's played his computer games the whole morning. He didn't come with me to see my mum. Fine. He apprently already made plans. So I'm supposed to go with him to see his parents tomorrow. Apparently his parents only want to see me, Why would mine want to see him?? We go to the shops, and come back and I'm still putting away shopping and cleaning up when he goes to watch tv and asks why im not coming. I say im still cleaning up. he gets annoyed. apparently i can't clean up when he wants to watch tv with me. Because he chooses when he spends time with me. Its not up to me. So as soon as he's free i should drop everything and spend time with him because his time is so fucking precious. And then he leaves me to take in the rest of the washing, and then put out the next lot and goes in a huff straight to his fucking computer. Oh wow. Thanks so much for the help. He's the one throwing clothes on the ground and gets angry at me, and then gets off with not having to help me with the rest of the washing. Wow. Great guy. Now he's pissed off to drive an hour away to see his parents. He's thought ' screw her - she's a bitch i'm going to do what i want'. Uh.... wasn't that was he was doing the whole fucking day??

God, I definitely dont want to have kids with this man. He'd drive them to suicide, and having me as a mum would just make it easier for them because it'd already be in their genes.

I'm glad we're just having a puppy right? Cuz thats not important at all?? He'd be so lazy he'd not want to take it for walks. Not want to help take care of it and then call it stupid because he's too lazy to train it to do anything. We're NOT getting a puppy. We're just fucked together. First thing I do as soon as he leaves is I get the bottle of wine and open it and I was about to take a swig from it then thought I really shouldnt get my germs into it so poured a big glass of the disgusting stuff. If he wasn't such a fucking fucktard I'd cut myself up again but that would probably make him so mad at me he'd want to leave me.

I didn't want to keep fighting but it was his choice to leave me tonight.
So now I'm alone and I don't know what to do. :( all i can do is cry...and try and drink myself to death. but my tolerance for alcohol is great. as soon as i drink when im heading to tipsy i throw everything up and cant drink anymore. well fuck tonight. I'm going drink that whole half litre of fucking wine. even after i throw up im gonna still drink more. if i dont, then im just a pussy arent i. i need to toughen the fuck up and not be such a whiny bitch!!

It happened again last night. It felt like a nightmare and it still does. That nightmare.

I feel sick in my stomach. I feel so awful.

So maybe it's too late for me to change. Maybe if I tried harder, it wouldn't matter anyway.

I don't know if I'm the problem, or if it's my thinking, or everyone else around me.

I feel embarrassed.

I acted like a stuck up drunk bitch last night at the xmas party.

I spoke to only a couple of people and ended up sitting against the wall with my bf watching everyone else chatting away.

A couple of them looked at me. Our eyes met. But they did not come and say hi. They did not even smile at me. They were the ones I knew.
Should I have gone and said hi? Perhaps. It's my shyness...my inability to crawl out of my hole.

So I got drunk. Laughed a lot to myself and my bf.

She was one of the ones who was supposed to be my friend. Was I took drunk? Was I just boring? She left us to talk to the rest of the group and we could only slink back to our spot against the wall.

All my thoughts were on my as a failure. And I am. It's more than me failing as a human. I didn't even try to extend myself. It was hard. But I didn't force myself to walk amongst them. Like an ugly ogre I wanted to hide in the darkness away from them all. And I can only imagine what they think of me now. Normally so aloof, and reserved and quiet. Now I am just stuck up, unfriendly, drunk and total bitch - an awful person.

What a shame I must work with these people....walk amongst them in the daylight...

I had dreams where i was walking along rocks and mad world was playing and i was contemplating suicide. It was like a beach and i felt horrible. so when i woke up i felt the same. and thought of work and i suddenly felt worse and decided i wasn't going to go. My bf told me to go repeatedly but i just put the covers over my head and kept saying no. i had made my mind up. so went back to sleep half wary that s still had to call in sick and woke up 15mins ago then made the call 40mins after i was supposed to start. maybe was a bit too late. i thought i didn't lie because i said i wasn't feeling well which is true. imagined if i had gone in today and saw myself leap infront of a train or go to the rooftop of the building and trying to jump which would be dangerous with all the people around. Imagined going to docs instead and telling him my problems. i don't know if i want to go on pills. the ones i had expired so i stopped.i know i should have gone in today. and today off won't help tomorrow or the week. I feel there's no helping me unless i get a lobotomy. my bf is working a home today and probably won't talk to me because he thinks I'm bad for staying at home today. maybe i should just go to docs and tell everything. the least that can happen is that they prescribe meds which is what usually happens. although that reminds me of the time the doc got a taxi for me and I was taken to a place where i was given free meds. then left to make my own way home in the rain. that was weird. what was the point in that? have always wanted therapy but its too expensive. the one free thing i had she was probably volunteer and made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. when i look at the future i can see marriage a house and kids. but i look at myself now and wonder how that's possible. my bf deserves more. He doesn't even understand my problems. he said love absolves all. which is why he is happy and the reason I'm not is because of him that i don't love him like he's not the one. he is wrong tho. he's the good in my life. but i have to live with the rest and he doesn't. so i don't know where to go from here or how to spend the rest of the day.

At the train station waiting for next train. didn't feel like the extra walk home today. took an antidepressant last night and slept very little and pupils were dilated and i felt my head and stomach a little weird. Now my head just hurts and my eyes are dry from the cold wind. i remembered why i stopped takin the pills. It was feeling nothing when the situation usually made me feel bad.it was the notable absence of feeling. when i thought feeling nothing would be better than feeling low i didn't realise feeling anything at all was far more important.

So work was ok and fine. But got home to a mess. Dishes weren't washed but that's not the problem. Cheese was all melted and hardened on the sandwich press and i saw the pasta i had packed for my bf's lunch in the fridge and with lots of cheese added on. I was so suprised and upset yesterday when I looked at him. He wore one of his shirts but it was so tight and I could see his huge belly hanging over. It never used to be like that. Somehow he's just putting on all this weight. He's probably up to 160kg by now. It wasn't bad before when he was 130kg, but now I feel sad, and upset and at a loss because he's keep getting bigger and bigger. He gets headaches and it hurts when he walks. He can't bend over easily, and when he's next to me he breathes so heavily I can hear it and it sounds laboured. I'm really worried about him, but if I say anything he'll get all touchy and annoyed at me and say I'm bitching and nagging. I tell him he shouldn't eat what he eats and that's his response. He's gone through a block of cheese and half a tub of butter in a couple of weeks. He says he can't eat less of it because he can't spread only a little bit of butter on his toast because it wont spread. it's just bullshit and it's depressing me because he's going to end up immobile very soon because of his stupid attitude. Because he can't eat what he likes he sometimes says that he may as well not eat at all because it's pointless. And having smaller portions of food is pointless because it's like not tasting it at all. i don't know what to do. And my blogs are all like me with my hands in the air going 'help', but that's what this is like. I can't get through to him. I don't know what to do.

It's the thought of having to go back to work tomorrow which has made me feel like shit right now. And my bf is not well. And I am unhappy with myself and him. Maybe we should kill ourselves and get this life over with already. Things feel like a constant battle. I still feel alienated. I still feel pathetic. All my time and energy is spent on that thing called work. And then cooking, cleaning, and worrying about my bf's health and whether I will ever be happy. Money can only buy you so much. If we were rich we'd not have to work. But there'd still be those little problems. Things wouldn't be perfect, but they'd be marginally better. I just feel like saying fuck this all. This is who I am, and not worry about myself or any one else. Just let things be the way they are. If things go bad to worse then so be it. I have little power anyway.

And then it all comes back to that time I had the chance to die. All I had to do was take a step forward into nothingness and my body would fall with gravity to the hard concrete and possibly get smashed by a car. I just don't think things are meant to be anymore. It's not like I wasn't supposed to die that day because my life has a purpose. I just didn't die that day because I didn't have the guts to do it.

Then there's the whole 'its how you look at it' thing. .Which i agree with. Anyone who can twist their thoughts into making a seemingly bad situation look not so bad will always be happy. It's like having nails driven through the soles of your feel and having burning liquid poured into your eyes and being dragged along the road by rope and somehow thinking that things could be worse, or being thankful that you are still alive at least and you have so much to be thankful and grateful for.

But the mind has its limitations. Do you realise how hard it is to look at everything in a positive light? To always focus on being grateful for what you do have and be grateful for just being able to breathe on this earth? Sure, life was not meant to be easy, but at what point is it ok to just say fuck it I want to end this all? Why wouldn't it ever be ok to say that? Family and whatever friends you may have and your bf or gf would miss you of course. But to not end your life because of them would be selfish of them. It's not a selfish act for yourself. I just don't know how long I can do this for. It's getting beyond a joke, and I see no humour or point in it.

Well lots of things have happened since I last blogged.

I quit my job and yesterday was the first day of the new one. So I've been having mixed feelings about it. In the two days of work, I think I've done well to pick up what I understand so far. But I know to not get too cocky because I haven't learnt everything yet, and I know tomorrow someone will say something to me and I'll be completely lost again. I suppose because I feel so slow to grasp new ideas and wrap my head around complicated and even simple things I am proud of myself for knowing what I know.

But then...there's the whole social awkwardness of myself which I have not managed to leave behind....I know I am learning and everything, but anything anyone tells me I just say "yep" or "ok" in response. It doesn't sound particularly enthusiastic either. I ask the odd question for clarification but I still feel like I'm a mute drone. I'm a little better than before at small talk, but still so far from sounding normal in a conversation. Conversations still end quite quickly, and have only been able to have the really short ones by mimicking what others have said in the past or repeating what they say in the conversation, or by trying to talk about myself or ask them about themselves. I guess that's what you do. And I'm trying. But still fall flat on my face. I guess I'm learning. But I still talk as if I'm lifeless and deeply introverted I could crawl into a hole and be fine just sitting there on my own. Hardly sounds great for somebody's assistant, right? I'm hoping once I get familiar with things I will start talking more even if it's random boring shit. As long as it's something right? And hopefully the painful sound of me failing at faking to be normal will go eventually.

Moved in with my boyfriend. Scared of being home alone at night which is the case as he works late. Hearing noises. Is that someone at the door or the window? I don't know. He is still to lose weight, and now even more as he's packed it on. He's beyond just overweight. Was that the door opening? I scare easily...

At least I was cheered up today. In my lunch break I went to the warhammer store. It was filled with guys and a couple girls. They were all standing around talking and some doing some building and painting thing or minature stuff. they were all dressed the same. It was like a club. And I wanted to belong. I don't fit it anywhere. I'm dorky but not geeky dorky like them. So I don't fit in anywhere. I want to fit in there though.

So one of the shop guys asked me if i've had a busy day. I said yeah. I asked him about a book I had picked up if it was the sequel to one i'd read before that I had bought ages ago from the store. He said yes. So I went to pay and he followed me there. He asked again about my day. I said yeah. And then I said about the most completely honest thing which came straight from the heart - it was truthful in all form as to how I was feeling. No copying others responses or what I thought I should say or just one word. I told him that I actually just wanted to go home. And he replied that it wasn't long to go. He put through the thing and was talking I guess as I quickly left so was rude as usual and didnt wait to hear what he said. There's just no point in listening to shop people be polite and say bye have a nice day. Whatever. But i feel bad for it because him saying that just made me feel so happy! Was it because I was honest? Was it because he responded to my gloomy honesty with a nice reply? I guess I let a total stranger know that I was having a shit day and they reassured me it would be over soon. I guess it's too common to pretend to be happy all the time. Pretend to be normal. Pretend to enjoy life. Pretend to want to exist. It was liberating to let a stranger know that life sucks and I'm a person who can admit it and go against the norm of being fake.

Anyway, after that I ended up going to a clothing store where I just picked out some clothes. I tried on a couple dresses and realised my body isnt so bad. Maybe even sexy. Unfortunately my face ruins the whole thing. I tried doing my hair different ways and it slightly made me look good. But I didn't care. I still felt good and wish I could thank the guy at the shop for making me feel good. If I was single I would awkwardly go back and flirt with him. I think that a lot though about other guys. Can't move my mind from that sometimes. I guess I'm a bad girlfriend. But at least I'd never act on it.

Anyways need to make dinner now. Unfortunately I'm ready to start the weekend but have two days left to go...